Boys & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape is a deeply investigative and empathetically reported book by Peggy Orenstein, published January 2020. Orenstein, a New York Times bestselling author and one of America’s most insightful social commentators, previously wrote Girls & Sex, a landmark book that exposed the paradoxes of modern young women’s sexuality.
In Boys & Sex, she flips the lens, focusing on the often-ignored half of the gender equation: the intimate lives, struggles, confessions, and contradictions of young men in contemporary America.
Positioned within the genre of sociological nonfiction and gender studies, Boys & Sex is a product of extensive interviews with over 100 boys and young men between the ages of 16 and 22. In an era marked by #MeToo, digital pornography, and shifting gender dynamics, Orenstein explores what it means to “be a man” and how evolving cultural expectations affect boys’ views on masculinity, sex, consent, relationships, and identity.
The central thesis of Boys & Sex is that traditional definitions of masculinity are failing boys and young men, trapping them in a rigid, often toxic script that stunts emotional expression, distorts sexual understanding, and hinders the ability to form authentic relationships.
By bringing boys’ voices to the forefront, Orenstein aims to start long-overdue conversations about sex, consent, vulnerability, and empathy.
Table of Contents
Background
While much of the conversation on sexual behavior and gender roles has centered on girls and women, Orenstein notes a glaring absence of comparable inquiry into the lives of boys. This imbalance becomes especially striking in the wake of national scandals and reckoning moments: Harvey Weinstein, Brock Turner, #MeToo, and ongoing debates about “toxic masculinity.”
Peggy Orenstein’s journalistic background uniquely qualifies her for this task. She has spent decades documenting the sexual attitudes and behaviors of young people. Her earlier work on girls showed how cultural narratives distort female sexuality. With Boys & Sex, she seeks to complete the dialogue by examining how similar (or different) cultural forces act on boys.
Through candid interviews and narrative vignettes, Orenstein gives voice to teenage boys and young men—many of whom had never before been asked what they think or feel about sex, love, porn, or masculinity.
These voices come from a range of races, classes, sexual orientations, and geographic backgrounds. By listening carefully to them, Orenstein uncovers patterns of silence, pressure, and pain that often go unacknowledged in broader conversations about youth and sexuality.
As she writes: “Feminism may have afforded girls an escape from the constraints of conventional femininity… but it has made few inroads with boys.”
Summary of Boys & Sex
1. The Confines of Traditional Masculinity
Many boys described feeling trapped by rigid norms of masculinity, particularly the pressure to be emotionally detached, physically dominant, and sexually aggressive.
Cole, a white high school athlete headed for a military academy, articulates this internal conflict, noting, “I feel like I need to keep everything that’s in here behind a wall” (Orenstein, Chapter 1). Emotional expression is seen as weakness, a sentiment shared by boys across racial and class lines.
2. The Influence of Pornography
One of the most startling revelations in Orenstein’s research is how deeply internet pornography has shaped boys’ understanding of sex. Chapter 2 details how boys are increasingly using porn as their primary sex educator, often with damaging consequences. One boy, Mason, confesses, “I thought sex was supposed to be a performance, not an experience.”
3. Hookup Culture and Emotional Disconnect
In Chapter 3, Orenstein explores hookup culture and the expectation that boys must always want sex. Rob, a freshman from North Carolina, admits, “None of my friends talk about feelings.
If you were hung up over a girl, they’d be like, ‘Stop being a bitch'” (Orenstein, Chapter 1). This emotional repression stunts their ability to form genuine romantic connections.
4. LGBTQ+ Experiences
Chapter 4 offers critical insights into how queer and trans boys experience masculinity. Mateo, a gay Latino student, describes learning to alter his voice and mannerisms to avoid being labeled “girly,” while Adam recalls rehearsing his facial expressions to appear more masculine. These stories show that homophobia often acts as a powerful enforcer of gender norms.
5. Intersectionality: Race and Masculinity
Orenstein does not ignore the racial dimension of masculinity. In Chapter 5, Taye, a Black teen from Washington D.C., notes, “You have to be smart but also ‘hood.’ Combine them just right and you’re the perfect black guy.” This chapter highlights the double bind faced by boys of color, who must balance the stereotypes of hypermasculinity with real-world racial discrimination.
6. Consent and Misconduct
Chapters 6 and 7 investigate the tension between the self-image of being a “good guy” and the reality of how boys participate in or excuse harmful behavior. Orenstein shares stories of boys who witnessed or even committed acts of sexual misconduct but felt powerless to intervene or ashamed to admit their complicity.
7. The Desire for Change
The final chapters explore the hopeful aspects of Orenstein’s interviews. Many boys expressed a desire for more open conversations about emotions, consent, love, and mutual pleasure. They want to be “better men,” but need tools, models, and support. “Maybe I try not to dig too deeply into that area because I know it’s wrong,” Cole admits when reflecting on locker room talk.
8. The Role of Parents and Educators
Orenstein emphasizes the urgent need for adults to initiate honest, nonjudgmental conversations with boys about sex and gender. She argues that silence on these topics reinforces toxic norms. As one mother put it, “If you’re not talking to your son about sex, porn is.”
Major Themes and Arguments:
- Emotional Suppression and the Man Box
Boys described feeling isolated, disconnected, and uncertain about how to express love and vulnerability.
“You don’t want to seem gay, or soft, or like you care too much. So you just kind of go numb.” (p. 33)
- Porn as a Stand-In for Sex Education
Most boys admitted that porn shaped their understanding of sex, yet many recognized its flaws.
“You know it’s fake, but it’s the only place telling you how to do things.” (p. 76)
Orenstein cites data from the Journal of Adolescent Health showing that over 90% of boys have watched porn by age 18, and more than 60% before age 13.
- Consent Confusion
While boys could often repeat the “no means no” rule, they were less fluent in understanding enthusiasm, body language, or emotional clarity. One interviewee confessed:
“She didn’t say no. But she didn’t seem into it either. I thought it was okay, but now I’m not sure.” (p. 102)
- Homophobia and Fear of Vulnerability
Boys often police one another’s behaviors to avoid being perceived as weak or gay. Expressions of care and intimacy were often ridiculed.
“I miss telling my friends I love them. I stopped because they laughed at me.” (p. 115)
- Desire for Connection
Surprisingly, many boys yearned for closeness and emotional intimacy, but didn’t know how to seek it without jeopardizing their masculinity.
“I want to talk about stuff, real stuff, but I don’t even know where to start.” (p. 139)
- Rethinking Masculinity
Boys & Sex ends with hopeful glimpses of young men pushing back against toxic norms. Some have found support in therapy, mentoring programs, or by forming emotionally open friendships.
“Being strong isn’t about hiding your feelings. It’s about being honest with yourself and others.” (p. 197)
Key Message:
Just as girls need tools to assert agency, boys need emotional and relational literacy to grow into healthy men. Without challenging traditional masculinity, true gender equality is incomplete.
Critical Analysis
Evaluation of Content
Orenstein’s content is both journalistic and empathetic, offering deeply personal and raw stories that expose the internal conflicts of young men. The strength of her analysis lies in its ability to connect the dots between micro-level experiences and macro-level cultural forces.
Through anecdotal evidence, she constructs a compelling portrait of the modern American boy under pressure. The boys’ voices are not merely illustrative; they are the argument. Each narrative helps substantiate her overarching claim: that masculinity in its traditional form is socially enforced, emotionally limiting, and often harmful.
Although her methodology is qualitative, the richness of her interviews provides more than enough credibility. Instead of statistics, she relies on cumulative patterns and recurring expressions that become impossible to ignore. Still, some readers might critique the absence of longitudinal data or quantitative analysis, which could enhance the academic rigor of her claims.
Style and Accessibility
Orenstein’s writing style is clear, compassionate, and often poignant. She does not speak for the boys but allows them to speak through her. This narrative-based journalism allows even difficult and controversial topics—pornography, rape culture, sexual confusion—to be explored without judgment or sensationalism.
Her prose is accessible to general readers, educators, and parents, but it also bears enough intellectual weight to be used in academic settings.
Themes and Relevance
Boys & Sex’s exploration of masculinity, consent, identity, and emotional development is incredibly relevant in today’s sociopolitical climate. At a time when male sexual behavior is under scrutiny, Orenstein offers a rare, humanizing look at the vulnerable and often isolated internal worlds of boys. Her nuanced treatment of race, class, and LGBTQ+ perspectives makes the book intersectional in practice, if not always in terminology.
Author’s Authority
Peggy Orenstein’s long career in gender and youth journalism lends her immense credibility. She’s not only an author but a cultural translator. Her ability to elicit trust and emotional honesty from teenage boys—a demographic notoriously resistant to vulnerability—is a testament to her skill and empathy as an interviewer.
Her background as the author of Girls & Sex also positions her uniquely to explore both sides of the gender divide, giving Boys & Sex a comparative and complementary power.
5. Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
- Deep, empathetic interviews with 100+ boys across the U.S.
- Rich incorporation of statistical data and academic studies
- Clear narrative voice and storytelling that educates without condescension
- Addressing taboo topics like porn and masculinity with nuance
- Wide relevance for educators, parents, and students
Weaknesses:
- Slight underrepresentation of boys from marginalized communities
- Some topics (e.g., intersectionality, queer masculinities) could be more deeply explored
- Lack of concrete roadmaps for reform may leave readers wanting more solutions
Reception, Criticism, and Influence
Boys & Sex was met with critical acclaim. Outlets like The New York Times and NPR praised Orenstein’s balance of compassion and critique. Educators and parents especially embraced the book for its practical insights into teen boys’ psyches. Critics, however, noted that while the book bravely exposes issues, it offers limited pathways for change beyond increased conversation.
Nonetheless, its influence is visible in academic syllabi, TEDx talks, and high school reading lists. Boys & Sex has also contributed to ongoing debates about sex education reform and emotional intelligence in boys’ development.
Quotations
“What we’re really talking about is not just sex but what it means to be a man.” (p. xix)
“Consent is not a contract. It’s a conversation.” (p. 106)
“They knew how to perform sex but not how to feel it.” (p. 93)
“Boys want intimacy, but they’ve been taught to fear it.” (p. 140)
Comparison with Similar Works
Compared to works like Guyland by Michael Kimmel or The Mask You Live In (documentary), Boys & Sex brings a fresher, more intimate tone, grounded in real voices rather than just theory.
While Kimmel offers sociological deep dives, Orenstein presents a textured narrative that is more accessible to general audiences. The book complements and extends her earlier Girls & Sex, giving a more holistic picture of youth sexuality in the modern age.
Conclusion
Peggy Orenstein’s Boys & Sex is not just a book—it’s a necessary conversation. In a world struggling to redefine gender roles and reclaim emotional truth, this book offers both a mirror and a map. It may not solve every problem, but it illuminates where we are and how far we need to go.
For educators, parents, counselors, and even boys themselves, this book is a must-read. It’s suitable for anyone who wants to better understand the emotional and sexual lives of boys today—and who believes that understanding is the first step to transformation.
“We cannot fix what we do not face.” (p. 199)
