Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends? We all recognize the familiar line—“Men and women can’t be friends; the sex part always gets in the way.” That quip, heard in When Harry Met Sally and echoed across social commentary, still resonates in many cultures today. (The Economist)
Yet new global data challenge that assumption. A groundbreaking study by researchers at Meta and New York University analyzed digital networks of 1.8 billion Facebook users to construct what they call the “cross‑gender friendship index” or WHMSI (“When Harry Met Sally index”).
A score of zero means complete segregation by gender, while a value above one means individuals even have more cross‑gender friends than same‑gender ones. (Stern School of Business)
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Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends
This pioneering index reveals striking cultural divides: in nations like Libya, Egypt, and Iraq, cross‑gender friendships are extremely rare (around 0.1), while many Western countries hover around 0.5–0.6—meaning people typically have about twice as many same‑sex friends as cross‑sex friends. (Stern School of Business)
Interestingly, the strongest predictor of such segregation is gender equality, especially female workforce participation. For example, Nigeria—where women’s labor participation nears parity with men’s—has a WHMSI of 0.67, whereas India’s lower female workforce share corresponds with a lower score of 0.34. (ggd.world)
Psychology, Attraction, and Perception Gaps
While cultural norms heavily influence whether men and women form platonic relationships, psychology plays an equally important role. A widely cited study by April Bleske-Rechek at the University of Wisconsin–Eau Claire found that in male-female friendships, men are statistically more likely to feel sexual attraction toward their female friends—and to overestimate the likelihood that those feelings are mutual.
This “wishful thinking bias” persists even when the women involved don’t share the attraction. (psychologytoday.com)
However, this does not mean platonic bonds are inherently doomed. Many individuals can manage attraction without acting on it. Modern psychology recognizes that these friendships can offer deep emotional benefits—ranging from exposure to different viewpoints to healthier attitudes toward gender equality.
Recent evidence suggests that societies with higher rates of cross-gender friendship tend to display lower levels of sexism. In research published in The Economist, countries with higher WHMSI scores also scored better on gender-equality indicators such as The Glass Ceiling Index and public attitudes toward women in leadership. (economist.com)
Social Structures and Gender Norms
In countries where gender mixing is limited by religious or social conservatism, friendships between men and women are rare. In parts of the Middle East and North Africa, cultural norms—often tied to family honor—discourage women from associating with unrelated men.
Sociologists like Alice Evans from King’s College London note that such segregation not only reflects existing sexism but also reinforces it. Without opportunities to interact, stereotypes persist, such as the belief that women are “too emotional” or “unsuited” for leadership. (bbc.com)
In South Korea, the gap is also visible but driven more by entrenched gender norms than by religion. Surveys show many South Korean men and women socialize primarily within their own gender. The country ranks near the bottom among developed nations for workplace gender equality, and younger generations often experience significant political and social polarization along gender lines. (nytimes.com)
Cause, Effect, and the Role of Early Socialization
The connection between friendship and gender attitudes is complex: do men with more female friends become less sexist, or are less sexist men simply more open to befriending women? Research points to both.
A longitudinal study by David Kretschmer at Oxford University followed over 3,000 German adolescents, many from immigrant backgrounds. Over the course of a year, boys who reported more female friends became significantly more egalitarian in their views about gender roles, whereas girls’ views remained largely unchanged—possibly because they already had stronger equality-oriented expectations.
Kretschmer suggests that boys learn firsthand from female peers that they expect equal treatment, which can reshape attitudes not only toward friendship but also toward romantic relationships. (ox.ac.uk)
Educational and Workplace Solutions
Experts argue that fostering these connections early is critical. Higher education has long been a natural space for men and women to interact away from restrictive social norms. But intervention can start even earlier.
An experimental program called “Buddy Up,” led by Laura Hanish and Carol Lynn Martin at Arizona State University, paired preschool boys and girls in cooperative tasks on a rotating weekly basis. Months after the program ended, boys who had been regularly paired with girls were more likely to play with them than boys in a control group. This supports intergroup contact theory—the idea that positive interactions between different groups reduce prejudice. (asu.edu)
Workplace integration also matters. Countries with high female labor-force participation tend to have stronger cross-gender networks. In professional settings, inclusion in informal gatherings—such as after-work tea or lunch meetings—can give women access to networking opportunities they might otherwise miss.
The Takeaway
The evidence suggests that men and women can be friends, and that such friendships can be socially transformative. While attraction may sometimes “get in the way,” cultural context, early socialization, and equal-opportunity environments play far greater roles in determining whether these friendships thrive.
In societies where gender equality is already valued, cross-gender friendships tend to be both more common and more impactful. Building these connections—whether through education, workplace inclusivity, or community programs—offers more than just personal companionship. It can also be a powerful step toward dismantling entrenched stereotypes and achieving genuine equality.
