Girls And Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape is a revelatory nonfiction book by acclaimed journalist and author Peggy Orenstein, first published in 2016. Orenstein is also the author of bestselling works like Cinderella Ate My Daughter and Schoolgirls, with decades of experience covering gender, education, and youth culture.
This book falls into the genre of contemporary sociology and feminist nonfiction, diving deep into the emotional and psychological terrain of young women’s sexual lives in 21st-century America.
The work is built on more than 70 in-depth interviews conducted with young women, aged mostly between 15 and 20, across the United States. It provides insight into their sexual experiences, self-esteem, consent education, hookup culture, and the profound disconnect between sexual freedom and sexual fulfillment.
The central thesis of Girls And Sex is that despite greater sexual access and more progressive attitudes, young women today often lack the tools—emotional, linguistic, educational, and interpersonal—to navigate their sexual lives with agency and fulfillment. Orenstein argues that the illusion of empowerment can mask deep insecurities, social pressures, and emotional disconnection.
“I came to believe that understanding what girls go through during those years—and talking openly and honestly about it—was not just important, it was essential.” (p. xxi)
Girls And Sex is both a cultural critique and a clarion call for more inclusive, nuanced, and empowering conversations around sex and girlhood.
Table of Contents
Background
Sexuality education in the United States has long been fragmented, politicized, and often woefully inadequate. According to the Guttmacher Institute (2022), only 29 states and the District of Columbia mandate sex education, and even fewer require that it be medically accurate.
Against this backdrop, Orenstein’s interviews paint a powerful picture of how media, peer dynamics, pop culture, and silence within families and institutions combine to shape young girls’ understanding of their sexual worth.
Furthermore, movements like #MeToo and national discussions about rape culture and consent have made this work even more relevant in recent years.
Yet, as Orenstein argues, the idea that girls are now empowered because they can have sex like boys is misleading and dangerous without acknowledging the lingering forces of misogyny, objectification, and unequal pleasure.
Summary
Overall Structure and Flow: Girls And Sex is organized thematically, not chronologically, progressing through real-life conversations with young women across diverse backgrounds. Each chapter addresses a core theme, like hookup culture, sexual entitlement, porn’s impact, consent, and emotional intimacy.
Highlighted Major Themes (with Quotes & Insights):
1. The Performance of Empowerment
Orenstein writes:
“Girls have been taught they are empowered to do anything they want. But what if all they want is to please boys?” (p. 27)
Many girls spoke about how empowerment was often equated with sexual availability. The “cool girl” archetype—sexually willing, emotionally detached—was internalized by many, leading them to suppress desires and boundaries.
2. The Hookup Culture’s Emotional Toll
Contrary to the media’s glamorization, hookups often left girls feeling unfulfilled and confused.
“I felt like I had to pretend that I didn’t care. But deep down, I wanted more. I didn’t even know how to say that.” (Interviewee, p. 53)
Studies cited in Girls And Sex (e.g., from the American College Health Association) reveal that over 60% of college women experience some form of sexual dissatisfaction, yet feel pressure to maintain a nonchalant façade.
3. Pleasure Inequality
One of the most powerful concepts explored is the “orgasm gap.” Heterosexual women experience significantly fewer orgasms than men in sexual encounters, particularly casual ones.
“Boys are socialized to expect pleasure and to seek it. Girls are socialized to provide it.” (p. 89)
Girls And Sex notes research from Indiana University’s National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, which found that in hookups, only 11% of women orgasmed compared to over 70% of men.
4. Porn as Sex Education
Many young men (and some women) admit they learned what to expect from porn. This often led to unrealistic expectations, performance anxiety, and misunderstandings around consent.
“It’s like I was supposed to moan the whole time. Even when I wasn’t into it, I didn’t know how to stop.” (Interviewee, p. 114)
5. Consent: Legal vs. Emotional Understanding
While young women may understand the legal definition of consent, emotional literacy around mutual desire, communication, and boundaries remains rare.
“I never said no. But I didn’t want it either. I didn’t know how to make that clear.” (Interviewee, p. 137)
6. Sexuality in LGBTQ+ Youth
Girls And Sex gives space to LGBTQ+ voices, showing how many queer girls experience greater communication and mutual respect in their relationships, although they still face stigma and erasure.
7. The Emotional Void
Orenstein argues that as girls are encouraged to claim their sexuality, they are not equally encouraged to expect connection, emotional safety, or even basic respect.
“We talk about protection against disease and pregnancy, but not protection of the heart.” (p. 173)
This emotional neglect leaves many young women disoriented and, at times, harmed by experiences they believed were supposed to be empowering.
Key Message Across All Chapters:
Despite unprecedented sexual freedoms, today’s girls are still burdened by double standards, emotional labor, and a lack of meaningful guidance. What masquerades as liberation often perpetuates inequality in new forms.
Critical Analysis
Evaluation of Content: Orenstein masterfully combines qualitative interviews with academic research and statistical data. Her insights are sharp, yet empathetic, avoiding a moralistic tone. Girls And Sex’s effectiveness lies in its ability to balance personal stories with sociological inquiry.
The inclusion of academic studies—such as those by the Kinsey Institute and the American Psychological Association—bolsters her arguments, particularly around the orgasm gap and sexual scripts.
Style and Accessibility: The writing style is lucid, narrative-driven, and emotionally resonant. Orenstein avoids jargon, making the book highly accessible to both adolescents and adults. Yet, the complexity of the issues is never oversimplified. Chapters flow seamlessly, anchored in storytelling that makes statistics memorable and theories human.
Themes and Relevance: Few books so deftly capture the contradictions facing modern girls—freedom without fulfillment, empowerment with emotional erasure, and the paradox of choice within deeply patriarchal structures.
In a post-#MeToo world, these themes are more relevant than ever. From high school hallways to college dorms, the issues Orenstein raises remain urgent and unresolved.
Author’s Authority: Orenstein’s authority stems from decades of reporting and a clear rapport with her subjects. She listens without judgment, yet frames their experiences within broader feminist discourse. Her journalistic credibility and deep engagement with youth culture enhance the trustworthiness of her conclusions.
Strengths and Weaknesses
Strengths:
- Rich qualitative research (70+ interviews).
- Nuanced exploration of pleasure, consent, and performance.
- Balanced narrative tone—neither alarmist nor idealistic.
- Inclusion of LGBTQ+ perspectives.
- Relevance to education, parenting, and feminist scholarship.
Weaknesses:
- Focused primarily on middle/upper-middle class, cisgender women, leaving some experiences underexplored.
- May not fully incorporate cultural and racial nuances in all discussions.
- The lack of prescriptive guidance (how to fix the problems) might frustrate some readers.
Reception, Criticism, and Influence
Since its publication, Girls & Sex has received widespread praise from educators, parents, journalists, and feminist thinkers for its raw honesty and cultural urgency. The New York Times described it as “eye-opening, uncomfortable, but essential reading for anyone raising or educating girls today.”
NPR lauded it as “one of the most important contributions to the conversation around gender and sexuality in the last decade.”
Academic circles have also engaged with the book, particularly in gender studies and sociology courses. It’s been adopted in curricula focused on sexual ethics, feminism, and youth psychology.Girls And Sex has sparked conversations about revising sex education to include not just anatomy and safety but also emotional well-being, communication, and mutual respect.
Critics, however, have raised concerns about the book’s limited scope, primarily focusing on cisgender, heterosexual, middle-class young women. Others have pointed out that the narratives, while powerful, sometimes lean heavily into anecdotal evidence. Despite these critiques, the impact of the book remains potent and widely acknowledged.
Memorable Quotations
- “I came to believe that understanding what girls go through during those years—and talking openly and honestly about it—was not just important, it was essential.” (p. xxi)
- “Girls have been taught they are empowered to do anything they want. But what if all they want is to please boys?” (p. 27)
- “We talk about protection against disease and pregnancy, but not protection of the heart.” (p. 173)
- “Boys are socialized to expect pleasure and to seek it. Girls are socialized to provide it.” (p. 89)
- “It’s like I was supposed to moan the whole time. Even when I wasn’t into it, I didn’t know how to stop.” (Interviewee, p. 114)
Comparison with Similar Works
Girls & Sex sits alongside other landmark feminist texts that explore youth, sexuality, and gender politics. Compared to Jessica Valenti’s Sex Object and bell hooks‘ Feminism is for Everybody, Orenstein’s work is uniquely grounded in real-time field interviews, making it both accessible and urgent.
Unlike Nancy Jo Sales’ American Girls, which focuses heavily on social media, Orenstein broadens her scope to include emotional development, hookup culture, and porn literacy.
Compared to Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, which is more neuroscience-focused, Girls And Sex offers a sociological and emotional roadmap through the early years of sexual development.
Girls And Sex pairs well with Peggy Orenstein’s follow-up, Boys & Sex, which balances the gender conversation and further explores the dynamics from the male perspective.
Conclusion
Girls And Sex is a masterful, compassionate, and essential exploration of what it means to grow up female in today’s sexual landscape. It reveals uncomfortable truths about empowerment, performance, desire, and emotional disconnection. With rich qualitative insights and rigorous contextual framing,
Orenstein succeeds in crafting a narrative that’s both intellectually engaging and emotionally profound.
Girls And Sex should be required reading for parents, educators, policymakers, and young adults alike. While it may not provide a how-to guide for reform, it lays the groundwork for informed, empathetic conversations that can drive cultural change.
As a reader, I walked away deeply moved—and more importantly, more equipped to support the next generation in navigating this complicated terrain with compassion, awareness, and agency.
